Last Resort
by Elessar King
Summary: When it all became too much. And he ran. nonslash. AlexBobby. Very angsty.
1. Chapter 1

This was written as part of an rpg, and recommended that it should become a story. I may or may not add more later, we'll see. But here's the piece of it. Many thanks to Darcy Brandon, Aldrex, Bean02,I.Adler and the rest of the gang, you all know who you are :D.

Songs are Last Resort by Papa Roach and Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional. I do not own Bobby Goren, Nicole Wallace or Alex Eames. Richard Goren is a twisted part of my imagination...mostly. But the rest belongs to Dick Wolf and we love him for it.

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Last Resort 

He hung up the phone and stared down at the floor for a long time, unmoving. It was all his fault. He endangered them, all of them, to get Wallace... And now this. Bobby knew he couldn't handle it anymore. He took a shaky breath. There was only one option left. He had to leave. The damage had all been done. He should have left long ago, he shouldn't have stayed at all. Because all it would ever do was grow worse.

Turning, he looked back towards the bedroom, and silently walked in. She hadn't heard him get up to answer the phone. She was still asleep - beautiful, laying there with the faint moonlight from the window. He reached over and brushed a lock of hair from her face, letting his fingers linger for only a moment. Had it been a mistake? For a few fleeting moments in his existence, Bobby had been happy. He had been wanted and loved. But perhaps if he truly loved her...then he would protect her. Leaning down, he gently kissed her forehead, smiling slightly when she stirred and didn't wake. A part of him wanted her to wake up, to put her arms around him again and to tell him that it would work out, and that it would be ok. Because they were here, and this was safe. But she didn't wake up, and he was glad. He didn't want to see her eyes when he said goodbye. For a moment, he watched her sleep again, wanting so much just to stay with her. But then he turned, and walked out of the room.

Sitting down at the table, he found what he was looking for on the computer. It had long been there. He always hoped he would never have to use it, and several times he had considered it. Now...it was time. Adding a date, and a few other things, Bobby printed out the letter of resignation, and signed it at the bottom. They would get it sooner or later, it wouldn't really matter much now. Hesitantly, he glanced back towards the bedroom, and pulled another blank piece of paper out of his binder, quickly writing a note. He took it in and left it on the pillow beside her.

_Alex-  
I'm sorry. I wish I could stay, but it's better that I don't. Too much has happened, too much that can't be reversed. I never wanted to leave you. But I want to protect you more. This is the only way I can do that. I'm sorry. I still love you. I always will.  
- Bobby_

With everything the way it was, his shoulders felt surprisingly light as he sat down on the couch. Reaching in his pocket, he pulled out his knife and laid it flat in his hand, spinning it around a few times. It was funny that he still carried it with him. Old knife.. his father had given it to him. In one of his few moments of decency when he wasn't out having a "good time". He stared down at it, looking at every detail that had already been memorized.

Suddenly Bobby shivered. He closed his eyes and heard the gunshot go off inside his head. To hold a life in your hands was a terrible responsibility. To end it was even more of a pressure. It had been Nicole Wallace. Yet still, her eyes, her face, covered in blood - it haunted him. It haunted him because of Carver, and Deakins. Because of Mike and Millie...and Caro. Because of Barr and Baer, and Stabler. Because of Alex... Because she took him away, and stole his memory and whispered to him. He could hear her whispering.

"So, my dear Bobby... now that I have you, tell me, are you afraid of me? You should be. All great..love...begins with fear. Without fear, we do not respect."

He opened his eyes again suddenly and stood up. Over..it was over. It had been over long ago, it was only waiting for the final push. One last push into the endless abyss. Endless...like night. And endless night, which leads to nothing. Sweet peace and nothing... Nothing, nothing. Just nothing. Dull. No pain.

_Cut my life into pieces  
This is my last resort  
Suffocation, no breathing  
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding_

It wasn't alright, it wasn't fine. It was over. Nothing. Deep. Darkness. He couldn't breathe suddenly. His heart pounded. Danger. He had to get out. With one last glance to the bedroom, he went for the door, closing it behind him as he made a desperate attempt for escape. Freedom in the night air. On the sidewalk he could breathe again, the pressure wasn't so bad. But the danger was still there. It was like when he was a boy...and Richard convinced him that 'they' were coming. He believed him. Just like he believed their mother. Danger. Bobby always had a sense of it. When their father came home late at night, he would hide...sometimes under the bed, sometimes in the closet, sometimes in a cupboard. Someplace where he wouldn't be found.

Danger.

And he ran. He didn't care where he was going, but away. Away. To get away. Far away. Leave it behind. But the bitter sing of leaving her was still upon him, ripping at his heart. She had already been hurt this way. It killed him to hurt her again. But rather this...than something worse. He knew what it looked like to watch. He could feel it happening. And he refused to let her have to deal with it. So he ran. He ran until he couldn't run anymore.

They followed, sometimes he could still feel them. Right out of his mother's nightmares. He had been closest to her, he believed what she told him. Richard never did. He was loved..."loved".. by their father. Which was why he always blamed Bobby when the man left. Richard never believed. But he tormented. He had always been like that. He never believed. To Bobby, it had been more than a game. Much more serious. Because they were real. They had names. Strange names. But no stranger than the different species on the Earth, and different languages. It had been his own language, and his mother's, that named them. He felt horrible leaving her too...after Richard had abandon them both when he was only 14, leaving Bobby alone to take care of his mother.

The knife had a bitter edge. It stung, but only for a minute. He sunk down against the wall of the building to sit on the pavement. A bitter edge. To slip away. Slip far...far away.

_Too deep now to ever swim against the current  
So let me slip away  
So let me slip away  
So let me slip away  
So let me slip against the current_


	2. Chapter 2

This chapter is dedicated to Bean02, Darcy Brandon and I.Alder. Thanks, you guys totally rock. Again, this is rpg-based, so many of these ideas are not my own, but used with permission from my fellow players, who are awesome. Thanks again guys. Anyway, enjoy.

* * *

Part 2

_Five days earlier_

He quickly picked up the phone almost as soon as it rang. "Goren."

"_Hi,"_ the voice on the other end, automatically recognized as his partner's, said in an annoyed tone, _"Where are you?"_

"On my way to the Sag Harbor hospital…" Bobby replied and hesitated slightly, "To talk to Carver. Where are you?"

"_I just got off the phone with Barek," _she stated, _"Wondering why my _partner_ never called to tell me he was going to Sag Harbor to talk to Carver."_

"I was going to call you.."

She sighed, _"When, Bobby? When you were all done and finished everything?"_

"Alex," he started, "I was _going_ to call you."

"_Bobby, I'm your partner."_

"I know!" he said quickly, "I was going to call, I need to do this alone. She.. she could be there."

There was a small silent pause on the other end of the phone. _"I'm still your partner. You need to be professional about this."_

"I am being professional!" Bobby sighed deeply. "I'm.. I'm not risking you here."

"_Not going to risk me.. Bobby, you can't do this. This is my _job_. This isn't the first time in this case that you've kept me out of the loop, I need to be there doing my job. We can't keep going like this."_

"This..this isn't… Alex, please trust me."

There was another pause before she spoke softly, _"I do trust you, Bobby. I need to know what's going on. You know that nothing can change between us. You can't protect me like this, it has to be normal again."_

"Normal?" Bobby repeated, "Nothing about this is normal. I have to do this on my own."

"_Would you say this if we weren't sleeping together?"_ she asked, starting to sound frustrated.

"Yes," Bobby said, almost without hesitation.

"…_I'll see you there."_ Her voice was replaced by silence.

Bobby quickly looked down at his phone to call her back.

"_What?"_

"Listen to me, don't come."

"_I said I'll meet you there, Bobby…"_

"No Alex," he said in a very serious tone, "I'm telling you not to come."

"_What did we just talk about, you can't be protecting me. This is different than it's even been before."_

"You're right," Bobby replied quickly, "You're..you're right. It is different. And what did I say, even if.. if our relationship was different, I would do the same thing. It's Nicole Wallace, Alex."

She sighed a little, _"And we've faced her before – together, Bobby. Just like this."_

Despite that he knew she couldn't see, he shook his head in response at first. "No. _Not_ like this. She's never kidnapped.. any of us, she's never killed-…" Bobby trained off for a moment. "I need to do this alone. If she's there, she'll want me. I'm not risking anyone else to deal with my mess."

There was another pause. Finally, Alex added softly, _"I'm not risking you either. I'll meet you there."_

The phone was silenced again. Bobby sighed, tossing it in the seat next to him and gripping the steering wheel. His hands were sweating. He didn't want to go. But he had to. There were too many things on his shoulders. Too many people involved.

As always, Nicole knew what she was doing, and Bobby hated not knowing what her next step was. She knew that too. It always ran the same way, Bobby always had the upper hand because he could look into a perp's head, walk in their shows and know exactly where they would go and what they would do next.

Nicole Wallace was one of the few who could turn it all around. She could slip through his defenses and blindside him easily. But their striking similarity was what scared him the most. It was as if Bobby was fighting against a darker version of himself, or what he could have – or could – become.

That scared him. And she knew.

* * *

"_Wake up…" she whispered into his ear._

_He wanted to sleep…only sleep. But her voice was persistent and wouldn't let him. Her hand brushed back through his hair gently, "That's it, open your eyes…"_

_No..he didn't want to. She touched the side of his face with her hand. He tried to move his head away, but it took so much effort. She laughed softly._

_That laugh…it made him feel so cold, as if it carried evil in itself. Just as everything about her did. He could feel the danger lurking beside him. He had to get away. Trying to lift his arm, he found that he couldn't. Neither arm would move._

_Fear._

_Danger._

_Panic._

_He shed off the sleep haze and opened his eyes, struggling with both arms. His vision wouldn't focus, he couldn't see. Only hear her voice. _

"_Ah..good morning."_

_Slowly, her face came into his view. She smiled at him – a horrible smile of hidden evil. _

_Chair..he was tied to a chair. Tied…to a chair… Couldn't get away._

_There was a sharp pain in his arm. Slowly, he looked over. Blood, needle… Why? Why were they taking his blood?_

_He struggled to speak, looking up at her, "Wha-.. what… what are.. are you…doing?"_

_Smiling, she stroked his face with the back of her hand, "Leaving a message for your little friends, of course. They'll be looking for you."_

_He pulled away with a disgusted look. She frowned and stood up. "Very well…if that's the way it is."_

_As he watched her, he felt as if he was in a fog. Lost in a fog. He couldn't make his mind work – he couldn't think or act. Only watch. Only watch as she held out her hand to her assistant for the gun that he carried._

_His heart beat faster. Danger. Panic. "No…" he whispered._

_She smiled at him gently, "I am sorry my dear, truly I am. There is no other way. But it will be over soon."_

_No! He tried to get away, pulling at the restraints on the chair. They wouldn't give – he couldn't move. Couldn't get away. Trapped. _

_She aimed the gun._

_Swallowing hard, he watched her helplessly._

_The hammer made a familiar click as she pulled it back._

_No… No..don't. Please don't. He begged her in his head – with his eyes, until he couldn't look at her anymore. Squeezing his eyes shut, his thoughts rested with only one thing. One person. What if…he never came back. If he never saw her again. If he could never tell her…_

"_I'm sorry, my dear Bobby," she said with almost the smallest hint of sympathy._

_He had long since forgotten she was there. She was out of his mind. Only…_

_Alex…_

_The gun went off._


	3. Chapter 3

Holy crap, I'm updating! Ok, try not to faint. And um…where is my jar of dirt… Anyway, thanks to my lovely rpers at lawandordersiu, you know who you are, you all roxxors. Song is Hello by Evanescence.

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Part 3

_April 6, 2006_

It began when the phone rang. Bobby reached for it, checking the number before he answered it. "Goren…"

"_Goren, it's Logan. What, did you have your phone off earlier to something?"_

"..No…" he said curiously, "Why, did you try to call me?"

"_Yes, several times! Goddamn.. ok, well um, it's all over the news, turn the TV on."_ Logan sighed.

"What's all over the news?"

"_You'll see, go turn it on."_

"No, stop playing games, Logan, tell me what's going on," Goren said, frustrated.

There was a small pause, Mike didn't say anything for a moment. _"Deakins is dead."_

Bobby froze. He stood still, staring at the wall. "What?" he asked softly, "What happened?"

"_Shot in the heart,"_ Mike said almost neutrally.

"Where?"

"_Some..cheesyass motel. Look, Goren-… It was Wallace."_

He had dreaded those words. He knew they were coming – somehow he knew. For once, Bobby had hoped that his gut feeling had been wrong. But it wasn't. Not this time. Bobby closed his eyes, "Shit.."

"_It gets worse.." _Mike added after a moment, _"The brass might send it over to SVU."_

"No, no, SVU can't get this case, they don't know how to handle Nicole Wallace…"

"_Yeah, well.. I'm sure they'll include you, but look. If she's after Deak, then.."_ Mike trailed off, not needing to continue.

Quickly, Bobby grabbed his binder, "Look, I'm going to that hotel, I need-… Are you already there? I need everything there is on this already, and-..and we'll need um…" For a second, he paused. "She'll leave a note. Somewhere, she'll-she'll leave a note."

* * *

_April 19, 2006_

"Channel 12 news, I'm your anchor, Margaret Taylor."

"Tonight's headline story, New York's Major Case Squad appears to be under attack. Last week, police released that Major Case's Captain James Deakins was murdered in a hotel room. While MCS maintained control of the case, they were able to narrow down possible suspects to one; Nicole Wallace, who has been suspected of other MCS cases, but never convicted. She is at large and considered to be quite dangerous."

"Also last week, was the disappearance and suspected kidnapping of Assistant Distract Attorney Ronald Carver, who had prosecuted Wallace's case before. According to the police, they have no new information to give us regarding that, but they are still looking."

"However, in light of recent events, Major Case's Captain Phillip Cerreta gave a press announcement today, regarding another disappearance. Lead detective, Robert Goren, was reported missing today, and Wallace is suspected to also be involved in his disappearance. Police are urging anyone who made have seen or heard from either ADA Carver, Detective Goren or Nicole Wallace, to report it as soon as possible…"

* * *

_Present: April 29, 2006_

Bobby shivered in the dark. It was oddly quiet. Nothing seemed to hurt anymore. But even without the pain, he could feel the dark lines of crimson trailing down the palm of his hand. He watched them quietly. It wasn't deep, but just enough. Enough to bleed.

_If I smile and don't believe_

_Soon I know I'll wake from this dream_

_Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken_

_Hello, I am the lie living for you so can hide_

_Don't cry_

"If you bleed.." he whispered, "Then… you're real… Can't be real..anymore. Not this… God-…I killed her."


End file.
